Following all that advice can drive a girl crazy, put her in the poor house, and, unfortunately, even send her to the doctor for some emergency care. By Jennifer Armstrong and Heather Wood

We’ll admit it: We’re lifetime connoisseurs of women’s magazines—those pink-and-purple pages give us a fresh little zing of hope every month, a glimpse at the new life lurking just beyond our reach, full of trendy fashions, glowing skin and, of course, better jobs, better men, and the best sex of our lives.

At their greatest moments, women’s magazines can change lives (Marie Claire’s humanitarian efforts are phenomenal), open lines of discourse previously shut off (without Cosmo, there’d be no frank sex talk). They can give women a sense of self (Latina, Essence, and Honey give voice where it’s needed), a sense of community (Real Simple readers and their constant idea-swapping) and a place to read like-minded thought (we unabashedly admire the discourse offered by Elle, Glamour, and O).

But at their worst, the girlie glossies are candy-colored tombs of empty promises and bad advice. Are some of these things really accurate reflections of what it means to be a woman today? Are our lives really 50 percent makeup and clothes, 40 percent sex/snagging and keeping a man, 8 percent celebrity worship, and 2 percent everything else?

Thing is, life doesn’t work out in “12 Easy Steps.” Sex isn’t “As Easy as 1,2,3.” And we don’t “Look 10 Years Younger” after giving up wheat or applying some new face goop. How do we know? We took them up on it—every bit of their advice, word-for-word. Here, our account of the good, the bad, the ugly—and the overwhelming amount of sexy—of what we learned living our lives exactly according to select women’s magazines:

“The Easiest $800 You’ll Ever Make” – Jane, April
I was genuinely psyched about this, because, well, it seemed like one of the few things I would be able to do in this issue—everything else cost money that I really did not have. I mean, it would set me back $507 to buy all the stuff in the “Inspiration” section—from the Agenda Quinquenal date book to Clarins Crème Jeunesse des Mains—and, um, $32,614 to stock up on all the goodies in the “Dress” section. Turned out I was going to make this pile of cash—the $800, not the 32 grand—through tax write-offs, from un-reimbursed business expenses (which I was pretty sure I had plenty of, thanks to this here Web site you’re reading) to donating clothes to the Salvation Army. This was great! Suddenly I was thrilled about doing my taxes. Until, of course, my (bargain-basement) accountant informed me that not only was I not making $800, but I owed money. How much, you ask? I am not making this up: $800. So apparently the $1,492 kitchen makeover in the “Home” section was out of the question. – JA

“Sex Tips So Good, Your Boyfriend Will Want to Pay You” – Jane, April
This coverline was what got me really excited about this issue, despite the fact that this boyfriend, in my case, was theoretical at best. Clearly I needed the cash (see above), and, hey, who doesn’t love a good sex tip or two? (Apparently no one, if women’s mag come-ons are any indication). But I scoured this magazine several times—no sex tips, much less ones so good my theoretical boyfriend would theoretically want to pay me. There was this bit about aphrodisiacs—Jane staffers testing the likes of horny goat weed extract and oysters. Maybe this was, like, a magical all-knowing magazine, and I was supposed to go out and drop some emu eggshell capsules into my love interest’s Starbucks, which would then make him into my boyfriend, at which time, the sex tips would appear, and then I would use them on him, and then he would want to pay me? We’ll never know, I guess, but I think I’ve stumbled onto a premise for a great high-concept romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson. I could be making that $800 after all. – JA

“Weekend Bliss” – Self, April
I’d all but forgotten my financial woes after I spent a Sunday afternoon doing these spa treatments adapted for poor at-home schleps like me. There was refrigerated eye gel, a lavender-oil bath, a lemon-sugar rub for my feet, a peanut-butter-and-apple snack. I loved my life according to Self. Who needs the best sex of your life or $800 when your feet are slathered in ($2.99) olive oil and you’re drinking berry lemonade?  – JA

“Sex Goddess Secrets” – Cosmo, April
Sex goddesses are kind of awesome, and I want to be one. Turns out I had already been practicing a few of these secrets: “Get kinky in the moment” — check; “touch him everywhere” — check; “touch yourself everywhere” — check; “look at him during oral” — check; “wear high heels and sexy lingerie” — double check. But some of the more aggressive “teasing” that sex goddesses apparently do proved, uh, challenging (and/or dumb): initiate foreplay in the morning without finishing the job (this is just mean); tease him by sticking my heels in the back of his thighs (he was so not okay with this); use kitchen utensils as toys (I couldn’t smack his ass with a spatula and then make pancakes the next day – just couldn’t!); make the dirty talk extra dirty (his response: “are you serious?”). There were also a handful of weirdo positions that required dangling limbs and a lot of upper body strength. This sex goddess stuff is exhausting. – HW

“Foxy, Fearless Makeup” – Cosmo, July
I love makeup features that give me an easy way to scope what’s new at Sephora. But save for Allure (the masters at all things beauty), most mags treat this feature as a way to make their pages pretty with little regard for practicality. Literally: July’s Cosmo has an orange cover and neon yellow type. And no kidding, they suggest makeup in those exact colors. If I were to apply the glaring green, yellow, and orange shadows, orange lipstick, blue eyeliner, shockingly orange blush, and candy-apple lipshine featured here, I’d look like a damn circus clown, which might be “fearless,” but it sure as hell isn’t “foxy.” – HW

“Mind-Blowing New Sex Tips That’ll Please … You” – Jane, June/July
While I take some issue with the words “mind-blowing” and “new” up there, there was finally some solid stuff to work with here. Wearing a silk, kimonoish robe around my apartment? Sure, that made me feel a little sexier (at least compared with my standard boxers and wifebeater). Mirror placed strategically near the bed to allow for some self-voyeurism during intimate moments? Yes, hot. Of course, I already had mirrors everywhere in my apartment, mainly because it’s so small that the strategic part has more to do with not suffocating from claustrophobia than with getting it on. Anyway, my gentleman caller declared it “a little creepy” that I had a reflective surface so close to my bed, but when I explained Jane’s view on this, he changed his mind. Oh, and they’re right: Spooning really is the best position for cuddling and other stuff (which, incidentally, he might enjoy watching in the mirror). – JA

“Get Ahead Fast” – Cosmo, April
Bad career advice is almost worse than bad sex advice. A wrong move at work may not require a prescription, but it could land you in the unemployment office, so I was a bit wary of this piece, which promised to help me “catapult your career in half the time.” Suggested steps included having a huge ego “to help sell yourself” (big egos don’t work well in team-based industries like the media; maybe it’d work better for a lawyer or a bounty hunter), ditching a practical 5-year plan to “just wing it” (I agree with this tip; I quit a stable job to find out what I wanted to do, which landed me a better-paying job and introduced me to my business partner), stalk your dream employer (also not bad, but being too bold can sometimes lead to “please stop calling us” e-mails – been there), and kiss your coworkers butts (I’m all for workplace camaraderie, but if someone’s a bitch, I don’t treat them like a saint; fake a relationship now and it’ll prove disastrous later). – HW

“62 Ways To Drive Him Crazy” – Cosmo, July
Um, 62 is a pretty big number. Too big a number—I have proof. After trying out about a dozen of the suggested twists, turns, and positions recommended here (not to mention all the previous “research” I’d conducted), I found myself with a nasty UTI (so that’s why they call it “honeymoon syndrome”). One embarrassing trip to my gyno, two weeks of meds and no sex, and I was fine. Hey, they weren’t kidding: It really did drive him crazy. – HW

“Sex Tips You Haven’t Heard” – Marie Claire, May
Considering all we’ve been up to on the sex-tips front, I was intrigued by this article’s claim (plus it didn’t actually require me to attempt additional positions—I needed a break). Could there possibly be even more ways to “stimulate my senses,” as the article claimed? Let’s see.
1. “Run a marathon to get your testosterone flowing.” Do I really have to train for a marathon to have a better orgasm?
2. “Take a hot bath prior to sex.” Well, that’s just good hygiene.
3. “Tell steamy bedtime stories.” Been there, done that (see above).
4. “Drink a tonic of milk and saffron.” Seriously?
5. Monitor my cycle and “strike at the optimal moment.” Come on, my blackberry is set for enough reminders as it is. Now I need to hear a “ding” when it’s time to “strike”? Is this a missile launch?
6. “Use a vibrator.” Really? You don’t say.
7. “Have a quickie.” I’m all for the quickies, but this tip specifically tells women to dress for the part “just in case.” I don’t know how I feel about wearing mini skirts throughout the winter.
8. “Try a new rhythm method.” Even more positions? Enough Already! – HW

Our experiment could have lasted forever, but we’re not masochists. Some “how tos,” “must dos” and “quick fixes” were simply too bad to try, including Cosmo’s “How to Meet a Guy in 30 Days” piece, which suggests we send emails to everyone we know so that they know how desperate to find a guy we are, practice a “come-hither” look that requires an angled jaw and a girlie laugh, and spend our lunch hour trolling the streets until we find a cute guy at a café or restaurant because “you’re not going to find a man at your desk.” Eating (not to mention working) isn’t as important as snagging a man, apparently.

Learn from our embarrassing, awkward and painful trials and errors, ladies: Talk to your partner about sex—and, you know, get a good partner to begin with—that’s how it’ll get better. Be yourself and you’ll meet someone great (and if you don’t, life is not over, you know). Ask for a raise if you know you deserve it. Wear makeup and clothing that flatters you, not Kate Bosworth. Take risks when they feel right, and remember that the only advice worth following is your own gut. No emergency doctor trips necessary.

How do you really feel about the advice women’s magazines dish out? Tell us on our message boards below.

Jennifer Armstrong and Heather Wood are the founders and editorial directors of SirensMag.com. They promise to never tell you how to run your life.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 15th, 2006 at 7:52 pm and is filed under Being A Siren. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.