No Time for Nookie?
How did we get so busy and important that we can’t find time for a decent date anymore? By Erin Carlson
I am the Second Coming of Liz Lemon.
Seriously, if Tina Fey’s unlucky-in-love workaholic on “30 Rock” had a younger sister, I’d be her. I’m constantly rushing toward deadlines—in my line of work as an Associated Press writer, I’m literally down to the wire—and juggling pressing requests from the powers that be. After clocking out for the day, I usually hit one, maybe two, social events: happy hour or dinner with friends or business contacts.
Okay, I might be more of a people person than Liz, but romantically, we’re pretty much on the same wavelength. Here’s what I mean: At the end of many nights, I’m at home, curled up on my couch watching TiVo while drinking a Diet Pepsi and nibbling on store-bought Toll House cookie dough or something else with chocolate in it.
While my social calendar doubles up this time of year, my dating life is nothing if less-than-stellar. Well, there’s one guy who remains cluelessly persistent despite our lack of a soul connection and my attempts to fade him out. And there’s that other prospect: a magazine editor, attractive in a black-framed glasses-Sprockets-kind-of-way, who stopped emailing me because I kept postponing our drinks plans. I was working late one time; another night, I bailed on him … because I was exhausted from working late.
What a humdrum excuse: “I just don’t have time for love. I’m too busy working/catching up with friends/catching up on sleep.” But for a lot of single and partnered women, balancing romance with building a career and keeping up with everything else is a real and stressful dilemma. Kinda like having a second job.
Indeed, hectic schedules permit only so much free time to troll for prospects, or even tend to boyfriends and bond with husbands if you somehow find the time to snag one of those. Which begs the question: How much time should your love life take?
“I’m a little nervous now to get into a relationship,” says Ilana Arazie, who blogs about dating for the Web site “Downtown Diaries.” She’s reluctant to sacrifice her independence for a serious boyfriend, although, she says, “If I met the most amazing guy, I’m not gonna turn him down.” So the 32-year-old keeps her schedule fairly open, lining up drinks and dinner a few nights during the week with men she meets at networking events. “The tricky part of it is after you go to these parties and you meet a ton of guys … giving (up) an entire night. It’s a lot of real estate of your week,” she says.
That’s not such a bad problem to have. The unfortunate news? To get to that point, single women need to get out of the office—or get off the couch—and devote time to finding a mate, dating experts say. No one’s going to come knocking at your door. “Dating doesn’t take a lot of time,” insists love coach Katherin Scott, who thinks blaming a busy schedule for a romantic dry spell is “usually an excuse that women have because it’s not a priority in the lives.”
Patti Feinstein, a Chicago-based dating coach, suggests that restless singles should set aside one or two weeknights looking for love. “It’s hard: they go to work and at five o’clock, they’re tired. They don’t want to go,” she says. “If you’re sitting at home doing nothing, expect nothing. You must go out. And I’m not talking about going to your yoga class with all the other girls. I’m talking about thinking strategy: Where are the guys?”
Once you’ve found them—or, more importantly, one in particular—you still have to devote a chunk of your precious schedule to keeping them. Alicia Quarles, an entertainment producer for Associated Press Television News, is one of the busiest people I know. She’s also freakishly skilled at striking balance in life: She works hard, plays hard and finds time to get a mani-pedi in between. But she and fiancé Mike pencil in date nights every Friday “to keep things fresh,” says the 26-year-old New Yorker, who ditches her buzzing BlackBerry and other distractions during dinner. “You have to make time,” she says.
Lux Nightmare, a New York-based sex and relationship blogger, points out, though, that spending too much time with a significant other can suck the heat right out of a relationship. “You want to be excited to see them,” says Nightmare, 25.
Like Arazie, Nightmare—a social butterfly and all-around busy bee—isn’t in hot pursuit of the next prospect. She lives life on her own schedule, rather than tailoring her activities and whereabouts for a dude in whom she may or may not be interested. “I’m much more focused on enjoying my life and having a good time than being in a relationship,” she says, adding that it’s that kind of attitude—a laissez-faire state of mind, a lack of desperation—that really intrigues men.
“I know that I have a limited amount of time to devote to someone I’m dating,” she says, adding that if that she’s just met an A-list guy—preferably someone just as energetic as she—“it’s worth it to make time.” Even if that means meeting up at weird hours of the night when both people have holes in their schedules.
She’s got a good point. As overscheduled as I am, Lord knows I’d make time for, say, Justin Timberlake or that hot guy in the office who also happens to have a hot Brazilian girlfriend. And therein lies my problem: I’ve got to make a bona fide love connection with an available, preferably non-sketchy guy who really gets me.
Until then, I’m happy to do things the Liz Lemon way. As long as I keep a busy schedule—and my wits about me—who know what characters may come along?
How much time do you make for love? Tell us on our message boards below.
Erin Carlson is a reporter for The Associated Press. She canceled a date to write this story.
Tags: dating, relationships