Things You Learn While Traveling Alone
When you hit the road solo, you stumble upon a host of lessons that will serve you well back in your normal, workaday life — if only you can remember to bring them back with you. By Molly Faulkner-Bond
Why do we travel? I suppose the answers could be endless, but I’m going to posit two main reasons: adventure and indulgence.
We pack our bags and go away to exotic (or not-so-exotic) places both because we want to try new things (like camel riding, and sushi, and snorkeling) … and because we want to give ourselves permission to do a few familiar things we wish we could do more often (like order dessert every night, or follow our primal urges with sexy foreigners). It’s a nice combination, really – on holiday, you become your own fairy godmother, and your own motivational speaker. You challenge yourself to be more vivacious and ballsy, but then you also let yourself get away with certain habits and perceived flaws that you work hard to erase in your daily life. And when these forces combine – when you’re harder on, but also nicer to, yourself – something amazing happens: You’re your best self.
Wouldn’t it be cool if you could be that self all the time, instead of just on vacation? What if that best self was the product of different thinking, instead of just a different setting? Well, interestingly, an entire year spent abroad is an excellent opportunity to test such an idea: Is it the exotic setting or the exotic thinking that makes me cooler? In my experience, the setting helps, but the mindset helps more. A few good thinking habits I’ve learned to adopt since spending a year in New Zealand:
Stop saying you’re gonna do it, and DO it
When you’re in a new location for a limited-time-only engagement, action becomes pretty crucial. Are you going to go bungee jumping or not? Are you going to make a play for that Swedish ski instructor or not? He won’t be around long … and neither will you, really, so it’s now or never.
The time crunch makes you pretty good at telling yourself to shut the hell up and put your money where your mouth is. You learn to skip that whole waffley “I think I want to…” phase and try to go straight into action mode. (In my case, this is what got me to New Zealand in the first place – I had told so many people I might go that I realized I needed to get off my ass and actually make it happen, to save face if nothing else.) In fact, this kind of action-oriented thinking is good. I’m not endorsing blatant impulsivity per se, but learn to be real with yourself: In most cases in real life, you could decide now; you just don’t want to, so you stall. Pretend you have to leave town in three weeks and then reconsider whatever it is you’re trying to decide – chances are the decision will suddenly be much easier to make.
That thing you thought you’d never try? It’s fun, and you can do it
If you’re like me, you have a list of Things I Wish I’d Tried Earlier in Life but That I’m Too Old (/Embarassed) to Learn Now. For me, it was endless: Snowboarding. Surfing. Rock climbing. Long-distance/term hiking. Break dancing. Would love to try them, but by now the fear both of injury and/or ass-of-self-making had overruled any curiosity or desire I still had. Luckily for me, nothing says “clean slate” like being a lone traveller in a strange land – some combination of not knowing anyone, having only a limited time to stay, and already being out of your comfort zone makes things that had been retired to the “oh well” category suddenly seem possible again.
And just as well – because a lot of the things I tried were actually awesome, and not as hard (or embarrassing) as I thought they might be. Not to mention – they are FUN. Standing up on a moving surfboard is one of the more sublime feelings I have ever experienced. And rock-climbing is a great way to blow off steam and engage in some productive problem-solving once a week (not to mention it can strengthen friendships based on the fact that you have to trust that the other person will hold onto that rope when you fall off cause your hands are too sweaty or your arms too short to grab that last hold).
I’d like to say that I would have tried such cool things at home if given the opportunity but, truth be told, it seems unlikely. Now that I’m on the other side, though, I wonder why not, and I feel sheepish. So I’m telling you – unless it’s health-related, your reason for not trying something (if you even have one) is probably nothing compared to how cool you’ll feel when you finally try it and realize it’s FUN.
Girls are more fun than guys
Just remember never to undervalue your female-on-female friendships. When you’re traveling, everyone asks you whether you’ve met anyone “special,” and they usually mean someone romantic. Me, I didn’t, but I did make some kick-ass, (hopefully) lifelong female friends, who introduced me to everything from their parents to SingStar. Their friendships enhanced my travel experience immeasurably, and – bonus – without all those added complications that come from sleeping together: Is this serious? Is this not serious? Do you like me for me, or just my accent? Are you only hanging out with me because you know I’m going to leave eventually so I can’t tie you down? And so on. With chick friends, all are non-issues.
I’d like to think I already knew that female friends are awesome, but I won’t lie: I did come here hoping to snag myself a nice Kiwi bloke to “swing my leg over,” as one co-worker put it the other night. In general, many of us females do probably spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to find ourselves a leg-swinging target, so just let’s not forget: Girlfriends will get you a hell of a long way in life. Maybe not the entire distance, but further than you probably give them credit for.
No, you don’t have something better to do than whatever that invitation proposes
When you’re the new kid in town and you lack a travel buddy, you become a “yes” person. Dinner? Great. Party? I’m there. This includes things you might ordinarily decline: Karaoke? Uh, okay. Dinner with your parents? Um … yeah, alright. Camping trip with people I’ve never met before? Sure!
I think in everyday life we say no to these kinds of things because we’re used to being socially comfortable all the time, and to having control of our own social activities. I mean, I’d probably say “no” to karaoke back home because I’d rather just chill at my neighborhood bar with some friends. But when the only alternative is sitting at home alone, any and every activity is suddenly better than nothing.
The relevant thing, though, is that even now that I do have just normal friends that I could chill with at that neighbourhood pub, I still say yes to pretty much everything that gets offered to me. Why? Because I get to do more – and do more cool stuff – than I would if I dictated all the terms of my own social calendar. By saying yes to this kind of thing, I have discovered that I love drum’n’bass music, that one of my best friends is a stunning runway model, and that “High Society” is a delightful movie, to name a few examples. Sure, you may be tired, you may not feel like it, you may not be into that – but give it a try anyway. You could be wrong.
Carrying a camera everywhere is an excellent idea
I’ve always been a picture person, but travelling somewhere else gives you an excuse to be a complete nerd about taking photos – I mean, people expect it of you anyway, so why not take a picture of that pretty flower in the town’s botanic garden or that cool building in the central business district? I was definitely glad to have my camera when I was out wandering around the stunning New Zealand scenery, but I’m as psyched about some of the random shots I got of cool things around town or on nights out as I am about the the touristy panoramic shots of mountains and clouds.
I think being in another country also just makes you more attuned to seeing potential photographs everywhere – quotidian things like people drinking coffee or pedestrians on the street suddenly have this fascinating cultural (and therefore arty) slant to them that they seem to lack at home. I would argue that perhaps that element isn’t missing at home; we just don’t see it. Try carrying a camera around with you, and see if you spot it showing up again.
You can live without things you never would have guessed
I’ll be brief on this one: Daily showers. More than three pairs of pants. Meat. Sex (to an extent). A car. A shared language with a friend. Graham crackers. Your own computer. Free nights and weekends on your cell phone. Decent Mexican food. People who are good at dancing to hip-hop. Satisfactory deodorant. The New York Times. AdultSwim.
Not forever perhaps, and not always without a twinge of wistfulness. But you can.
‘Instimacy’ — learn it, hone it, love it, benefit from it
Another biproduct of being a passing through-type person is that you learn to make “friends” really quickly. I say “friends” because sometimes these connections are with people you know you will probably never see again. But you learn not to care about that or let it prevent you from still connecting – sometimes deeply – with someone who, until five hours ago, and starting again in two days when he goes back to Scotland – was a complete stranger.
The main thing about instimacy is that you have to be pretty comfortable with yourself for it to work. You have to put yourself out there – approach people, ask questions, offer information, smile, laugh, and even admit to mistakes and vulnerability fairly readily. Not always easy stuff. But it gets easier the more you do it, and once you master it you’ll rarely, if ever, feel like you’re alone in a room full of strangers (or even acquaintances) again. All it takes is a few minutes, and one of them can be your friend.
What have you learned from traveling alone? And if you haven’t, where would you like to go? Discuss on our message boards below.
Molly Faulkner-Bond has written about subjects as disparate as miniskirts and interracial friendships.
Tags: travel