FemiNoshing: Appetite Is a Feminist Issue
It doesn’t matter if she’s fat or thin; a woman who enjoys eating large meals is treated with suspicion and censure in our society. But why is female appetite such a taboo? By A.K. Whitney
For Christmas, a friend presented me with a copy of “Me Talk Pretty One Day” by David Sedaris. I had read a few of his essays, particularly ones about his struggles with various compulsions, but I had not read so many about his family.
In “A Shiner Like a Diamond,” he writes about his four sisters—particularly actress Amy (a Sirens crush)—and their somewhat fractious relationship with their father. “My father has always placed a great deal of importance on his daughters’ physical beauty,” Sedaris writes. “It is, to him, their greatest asset, and he monitors their appearance like a pimp … my brother and I were allowed to grow as plump and ugly as we liked. Our bodies were viewed as mere vehicles—pasty, potbellied machines designed to transport our thoughts from one place to another. I might wander freely through the house drinking pancake batter from a plastic bucket, but the moment one of my sisters spilled out of her bikini, my father was right there to mix his metaphors. ‘Jesus, Flossie, what are we running here, a dairy farm? Look at you, you’re the size of a house.’”
Sedaris blames his father’s attitude on his age (old) and ethnic background (Greek). My friend who gave me the book is also Greek, so I asked her if her father had similar views when it came to her eating habits. “Definitely,” she said, remembering how, as a girl, her father would often remark—with disgust—that she ate “like a house on fire.” These remarks confused my friend, not only because houses do not eat anything, whether on fire or otherwise. She was far from overweight, and was heavily involved in sports at the time and needed the fuel. Sports, it must be added, that her father insisted she participate in, even though she never cared for them.
Still, she wasn’t the only one in the household criticized for daring to nourish herself. Her mother got it whenever she seemed to enjoy her dinner a little too much. But one member of the household never had to justify having a hearty appetite, no matter his weight. “No one ever said anything to my brother,” my friend told me, still clearly angered by it.
Something similar played out in my household as a child. My brother was allowed to have a bigger appetite than I was, an argument couched in what seemed perfectly reasonable terms. He was five years older, growing fast (he eventually topped out at 6-foot-6), and a star basketball player. So, naturally, he was entitled to bigger portions. I would have been able to accept that if it hadn’t been for the fact that, at age 9, I committed the unforgivable sin of getting plump. After that, any time I seemed to enjoy eating was viewed with contempt by the adults around me. I remember one incident with the son of a family friend, who, upon being asked whether he would see me around school, said “Yeah, but whenever I see her, she always has cookie crumbs around her mouth.”
My father relayed this remark to me with glee. And the message was painfully clear: The reason I was plump was obviously because I had such a ravenous and unhealthy appetite for cookies. Never mind that this kid only likely saw me at lunch—he was a year younger and we had no classes together—and that the supposed crumbs may have come from a sandwich. No. I was a horrible monster because I was Eating Cookies While Plump. And—horrors!—enjoying them.
And, yes, it’s clear I’m still angry about that one.
Still, reading about how the Sedaris sisters’ and my friend’s appetites were also monitored, whether by family (and not just fathers, but mothers, grandmothers, aunts, etc.) or acquaintances, made me feel less alone. As did a recent blog entry that appeared on the community side of Jessica Valenti’s Feministing last month. In “Femininity and Food,” community blogger Electrikoolaid talked about two specific food/body experiences that affected her: In the first one, she went to an Italian restaurant with her father and ordered a gigantic calzone. Her father didn’t say anything to her when she did this, but the two men at the next table had no such reservations. “When my massive calzone arrived, I got these looks from the table next to ours—a father-son duo, I think—complete with eyebrow raises and condescending smirks,” she wrote. “Maybe I was reading into it too much at this point, but after I devoured the entire thing, the glances and smirks became chuckles—and, again, very condescending-sounding ones. I glanced at them out of the corner of my eye, and the father actually said to me, ‘I’ve never seen such a small girl with such a big appetite!’”
Electrickoolaid’s second story was about a birthday party, where she was cutting up the cake. She cut a big piece for her 3-year-old cousin, and says the other adults thought the sight of a little boy with such a big piece of cake was adorable. Then she cut an equally big piece for her 5-year-old niece. “My grandma actually piped up with, ‘Once on the lips, forever on the hips, sweetheart!’” To a 5-year-old. At a birthday party.
Electrickoolaid’s indignation was echoed fervently by other community members, who had their own stories of either getting shamed for wanting bigger portions or watching female relatives get shamed having an appetite at all. Moreover, the taboo on hearty female appetites seemed a common thread no matter a woman’s background: “I’ve noticed that in my family and in how Latinos (particularly Mexicans and Mexican Americans) are portrayed in the media,” wrote Bianca. “The man always gets the big meal, then the son, then the daughter—and then the wife. This is very typical in a lot of households, especially wherever I am with family. I don’t think it’s a coincidence either. I, for one, love to eat a lot. I love food. I hate how guys tell me, ‘damn, slow down,’ like it’s OK for them to chow down but I can’t.”
It’s hard to step away from that anger (and clearly I have yet to do so entirely), but I have to wonder why so many societies are invested in curbing female appetite. In “Our Tortured Relationship with Food,” I wrote about our society’s blithe acceptance of the idea that women are—or should be—on a permanent diet lest the worst happen to them, and they get fat. We are therefore encouraged to eat less caloric “feminine” foods.
But where does this idea come from? I found one answer in a variety of sources. The most compelling ones were Naomi Wolf and Mark Twain. They seem an unlikely pair, but have similar arguments about what happens when a society restricts women’s appetites.
In “The Beauty Myth,” Wolf devotes an entire chapter to women’s relationships with food. While much of it is focused on eating disorders and disordered eating, she offers an interesting perspective on female appetite, current and historical. Women’s appetites, she says, are not as important as men’s, because men are more important than women in modern patriarchal societies (and for pretty much all of recorded history, we have lived in a patriarchy). “Food is the primal symbol of social worth,” Wolf writes. “Whom a society values, it feeds well.”
When food is scarce, she continues, women get less than men because of their lower position in society. This was pointed out by Twain almost a century earlier in “Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World.” In one chapter, Twain visits Honolulu, Hawaii, and talks about King Liholiho, son of Kamehameha. Liholiho, Twain writes, changed society drastically by abolishing “tabu,” a set of draconian laws which made the most innocuous things—such as stepping on the wrong piece of lawn—punishable by death. “The tabu was the most ingenious and effective of all the inventions that has ever been devised for keeping a people’s privileges satisfactorily restricted,” Twain writes.
The most restricted by tabu were women. When it came to food issues, they were not allowed to eat with men, though they were allowed to cook for them and serve them. The men ate first, and ate the best food: “the good things, the fine things, the choice things … by the tabu, these things were sacred to the men; the women spent their lives longing for them and wondering what they might taste like; and they died without finding out.”
And guess how Liholiho broke the tabu? He had dinner with his mother.
Things thankfully changed for Hawaiian women, and have changed for women in many countries—though sadly not all—that once saw nothing wrong with feeding females less than males simply because of their gender. The strides we have made—at least in industrialized nations over the last 150 years—have meant that “women are inferior to men” is no longer an acceptable excuse for keeping our bellies empty and men’s bellies full. The alarming thing is that another, even more insidious excuse has taken its place: Health. That’s right, women’s appetites these days must be restricted for “health” reasons. As Wolf puts it: “The traditional pattern was cloaked in modern shame, but otherwise changed little. Weight control became its rationale once natural inferiority went out of fashion.”
After all, everyone knows excess fat is unhealthy. And I am not going to argue here that it isn’t, because I can’t. Of course having so much fat on your body that you develop diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, and osteoarthritis is bad. But as the fat acceptance movement continues to remind us, not every fat person has these problems. And why do women continue to be the most restricted?
Fat men face plenty of discrimination every day, but it is nothing compared to what women—and I am talking all women, even ones who aren’t technically overweight—face when just taking a simple bite. And men, unless morbidly obese, are allowed to enjoy a large meal without judgment or concerns about their “health.”
And speaking of health: Why, per Wolf’s research, do the poorest women in India eat 1,400 calories a day, while certain fad diets expect women to survive on 800? That, by the way, is 400 calories below the absolute minimum recommended for most women. How is starvation healthy?
But the saddest thing of all is how so many of us buy into this crap and bully others into it. Is it any wonder seven out of 10 women in this country have food issues?
I will end this with a plea: If you are ever tempted to judge (even silently) a girlfriend, a female relative, or even a woman you don’t know for eating a large meal and enjoying it—stop. And the next time you are hungry and want to enjoy a big meal—do it. The time for women to apologize for their appetites is past.
How do you see food as a feminist—or anti-feminist—issue?
A.K. Whitney is a Los Angeles writer and contributing editor to Sirens.
Tags: feminism, feminoshing, food, politics
July 20th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Brilliantly written! We all have personal stories regarding this (why does everyone have a female relative who makes catty remarks about weight?). We all have experienced holding off on that second helping in front of a new romance (remember Scarlett O’Hara being forced to eat BEFORE she went out to a picnic so she would “eat like a lady”? ). What I love about this essay is the way you tied together such diverse sources as David Sedaris, Electrikoolaid, Naomi Wolf, Mark Twain as an exploration of this topic. You are right, it is time to stop apologizing for what in my family was called “eating like a farm hand”.
July 20th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
[...] of her? Did Jane even appreciate her own brains, or did she take her own gifts for granted while berating herself for loving doughnuts and searching for confidence in self-help books? While most of us fall somewhere in between the two [...]
July 20th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Not sure why but I was always playing when I was under 11 years old and everyone said I wouldnt grow if I didnt eat. My twin sister ate like a teenage boy since she was little and they made fun of her. Neither of us cared but being twins, none of it mattered. Puberty made me a little chubby all on its own. It made her athletic. Neither of us ended up tall. Shes 5′3″. Im 5′2″. She runs, she eats very healthy and organic foods in moderation, shes a rock climber and she stands for her job. I am a designer who sits, I eat more caloric foods but in smaller quantities. We are still only about 10lbs different from each other. (cynical jest ahead) The real problem is puberty. Puberty is a cruel joke played on happy children. It messes with our bodies and our minds and everyone around us. Less abolish that.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:30 am
THIS. only in my case, i was fighting from the opposite side. it took me years of yo-yoing weight and self-esteem, which i only finally broke through due to health neccessity of a few diet-controlled chronic conditions, to get over my irrational aversion to particular foods and ways of eating. i had to teach myself that there’s no shame is getting a doggy bag, it’s not unfeminist to order a salad occassionally, it’s not giving in to conformity to turn down a dessert menu (if you really don’t feel like having any) in favor of a nice cup of coffee instead. i had just so internalized what this article talks about that i felt compelled to embody a one-woman revolution, to the detriment of my own well-being (hypoglycemia + carb and sugar heavy diet = ongoing cycle of icky feeling). although, i’ll admit, i do still enjoy the looks on servers’ faces when i order “man food” and actually have the gall to finish it.
August 2nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
[...] further reading: Appetite Is a Feminist Issue, Sirens Spotlight: Eve Organics Social [...]
August 21st, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I’ll eat to that! Thanks for writing this, I’m going to be paying real close attention now to this issue, especially with my 12 year old daughter.
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I had no idea that this was an issue for so many people. I myself can’t say that I’ve experienced it. Quite the opposite, actually. My parents never voiced any concern over how much I ate because they didn’t want to damage my self esteem. I got very heavy in my adolescence but lost the excess weight and am now a healthy 120. Still, I’ve retained my hollow leg and can pack away more food than my 6′3 weight lifting boyfriend. He just laughs and it’s actually been a subject of praise from most guys I know (romantically or as friends). They say it’s impressive and refreshing to see a girl who isn’t terrified of piling on the calories once in a while.
The fact that this is a real issue is very intriguing to me. I didn’t know it was something so many women struggle with. I understand the fear of weight gain as a motivation to eat smaller portions (why I run a hundred miles a month), but for someone’s own family or society in general to label a hearty female appetite as a taboo is a foreign concept to me.
September 5th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
[...] For Further Reading: Feminist or Not?: Lifetime’s “Drop Dead Diva”, FemiNoshing: Appetite Is a Feminist Issue [...]
September 15th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I read this while devouring a delicious plate of rice and curry! ^_^
September 20th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
That’s the beauty of being an adult – you can finally see through the bullshit you had to put up with as a child that you didn’t realise was bullshit at the time. Boys get the same thing although obviously on a different level e.g. ‘big boys don’t cry’, that sort of thing. It’s all crap. Anyway, now you’re big enough and ugly enough to understand it, you can take it or leave it and be whoever you want to be. I did, about a year ago, and I haven’t looked back. Much better making your own rules.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Hungry people tend to be cranky. Undernourished people tend to be listless. I know I can’t work when I am hungry. This is one set of circumstances that sets women up to fulfill the bitchy stereotype. Hubby comes home and enjoys a sumptuous meal while his wife has denied herself. Their after-dinner talk turns into an argument. He is puzzled and complains that she is bitchy and blames it on “woman” problems. Now we know where this is going.
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
That’s a nice sentiment, Mike, but you miss my point. Women deal with this not just as girls, but as women — and whether you reject the idea that you don’t deserve to nourish yourself or not, it’s pushed on you every day. It’s a constant fight. We don’t have the luxury to “take it or leave it.” Everything out there is doing its best to force us to take it, and I for one am tired of it.
December 23rd, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Totally opposite experience for me. I’m naturally skinny. There are times when I eat healthy, times that I don’t, times that I work out and times when I’m lazy; my weight just never changes. I used to eat until I was full but people always harassed me for “not eating enough” or accused me of having an eating disorder. Now I’ve gotten to the point where I over-eat to the point of vomiting and people still mock me claiming I need “some meat on my bones” and telling me that “not all guys want skinny girls”.
People just need to mind their own plate and stop worrying what everyone else is doing.
December 31st, 2009 at 10:32 pm
I had the opposite told to me as a child, because for some unknown reason I was naturally extremely skinny to the point where I literally looked malnourished and almost emaciated. My mother was always encouraging me to have second helpings, to buy a double cheeseburger instead of a single when we were eating out, and so on – by the time I was 11, I could down a 1/4 lb cheeseburger and a soda in one meal and be hungry not 4 hours later. When I started sports as a teenager, my appetite only increased, to the point where I’d eat 4 large meals a day yet coupled with occasional, inexplicable weight loss my BMI had still dipped below 14 at one point (I wasn’t kidding about the looking malnourished thing).
Now, I’m just sick of all the ‘go eat a cheeseburger’ comments, because I know I’m terrifyingly thin, I’ve tried to seek medical help for it but there’s apparently nothing wrong, so people should just shut up. So what if you can see the outline of some of my bones? The worst thing that’ll happen is the people sitting closest to me in human osteology class will have a partial cheat sheet =)
January 4th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Brilliant as always! I am also naturally small, maybe its familial competition mixed with society, but I also had these issues in the form of Eating Disorders. Now I somewhat understand what Mike means, that now as an adult I see how the system is so messed up and causes these things, but as it is, its not like you get a free pass once you turn 21. It still lingers for many people, and though awareness of the situation helps, it doesn’t save everyone. It bothers me that even “back then” when I would try to eat only very small amounts, if anything, in front of people, there would still be comments. Maybe this contributes negatively and we should keep showing the world we really DO eat! All I can say is I’m glad that garbage is over with for me, and keep spreading the word. I love your last comment. Its ALL about that, in almost every issue. Focus on the times we identify instead of criticizing others!
January 22nd, 2010 at 7:18 pm
As a teen and early twenties chick, it was often painful to eat in front of others, especially men. I was terrified they’d comment about my eating habits or the body I disliked already. I was never the one to order a salad or pick at my food in an attempt to be ladylike or feminine. Food has always been awesome for me, so I’d – God forbid – enjoy it and eat it.
I’ve since grown into a standup woman who’d slap a man who dares to judge my body or desires. In every way.
WOO HOO!!!
May 17th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
What about the women who are stuck on the other side of the scale?
I’m tall and thin, with a high metabolism. I have an average appetite, yet everyone I know and even strangers will harp about how thin I am and how I have to ‘eat more’. At the dinner table and dining out, I’m constantly observed and always told to eat more than I can, even when I’m already full. Either I overstuff myself, or feel rude for not wanting seconds of everything! On Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays, it’s only intensified by extended family who gang-up and harp together… Women don’t have to be overweight to be stared at, ridiculed or bothered about what, when and how much they eat.
Way back when, being larger-built was a sign of prosperity & wealth. Now our societies worship half-naked, half-starved models with plastic Barbie bodies. Adoption agencies have BMI limits for prospective parents. Obesity is a valid concern, but what else to do you expect from a generation raised on the media and fast food?
June 28th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
I haven’t received much negative attention for eating heartily (although I did have a male cow-worker who would harass me for consuming non-diet soda and salad dressing because “You’re going to get fat for your husband, don’t you care about him?”, which was lovely).
However, as a thinner girl who doesn’t like to eat a lot in one setting (but I eat six times a day) I’ve always received positive reinforcement for that. Even things that aren’t necessarily positive tend to scan that way in our culture – i.e. “You eat like a bird!” or “Are you sure you don’t have an eating disorder/exercise disorder?” have always sounded, to me, like praise, no matter how intended. After all, how do you know you’re thin unless people tell you, and who tells you unless your habits seem to merit discussion? Once you’re accustomed to that line of comments, mere silence seems to suggest that you are, in fact, packing on the pounds and might want to back away from the Oreos slowly. Weight culture in America is just a mess, and honestly – I think it’s hard to feel good about yourself as a woman, no matter how you look or what you eat.
August 8th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
[...] further reading: Appetite Is a Feminist Issue, It’s Always Convenient to Blame the [...]